Handmade Sweater
I am the first to admit that a convicted murderer pursuing an MBA sounds like a punchline to a bad joke. But I promise you, it's no joke because I am that convicted murderer. I am also a brother, a father, a friend, a son, a chef, a writer, and an innocent man who is wrongfully convicted. Yet, even after I am exonerated and walk out of this prison, have both my MBA and JD, I will still wear the title of a convicted murder.
I'm not objecting, I'm simply stating a fact for anyone on the fence as to whether or not they should help me pay my first semester of tuition for the MBA program. A program that I am now eligible for after nearly two decades of denials from prison administrators because of “budget constraints.” Because there is something that everyone who knows me already knows, and everyone who doesn't yet know me will eventually come to realize: I am inevitable.
California Coastal University
Granted, I am not unique in saying that nothing in my life has been easy. Everyone struggles in one way or another as that is the only guaranteed part of life: the consistent presence of struggle.
Where we differentiate ourselves is in how we respond to struggle. There are people who will run from it, avoid it, lie, cheat, steal, and generally destroy themselves in their attempt at avoiding hardship. Then there are those who just stand there like passive bystanders at a bus stop while a rainstorm pours down on them, and though they could move to take shelter they don't. Finally, there are those who see the hardship in the distance and walk towards it. Not because they are masochists, but because they see something on the other side of that hardship that they want, or they inherently understand that there is something on the other side of that hardship that will prove valuable to their lives—and in most instances they don't even know what it is.
Throughout my life I have known every category of person, some of them I miss, others I’m indifferent to, and then there are those who I hope to never cross paths with ever again. However, their aversion to, indifference, or eagerness to confront hardship doesn't change that they are also human beings with spirits and minds with endless possibilities in front of them. And what we all have in common is that we all have titles over our heads that we would rather not wear.
Tags like deadbeat dad, drug addict, adulterer, cornudo, hypocrite, bad boss, wife beater, labioso, and snitch are some of the non-criminal titles that many in our communities walk around with on the regular. But how many will actually own them?
Not many.
And the truth is that not only should we wear them, we should handpick the absolute worst of the bunch, knit it into an ugly sweater and wear it as though it were the Versace tuxedo or Gucci dress of our best selves. And not because we want it to be, but because it is.
I don't pretend to have all the answers. But tragedy, self study, and an almost masochistic penchant for failure has revealed to me an absolute truth so valuable that I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world—not even my freedom. Because the truth is this, when you can wear your ugly sweater before the world fear loses its hold over your life. And when fear loses its hold over your life, everything about you and your intentions become inevitable.
So I will gladly wear my ugly sweater that just so happens to say, “convicted, murderer,” and I'll do it everyday for the remainder of my life with a smile on my face. And I promise it's not for the reasons you might think.
I wear it with a smile because it was purchased with the youth of my life by a cowardly man; gift wrapped through the collaborative efforts of defective detectives, a people pleasing, politician prosecutor, and a court so crooked that it quite literally cooked up a new kind of constitutional violation: Cascade Confrontation Catastrophe. I smile when I wear it like a Superman cape beneath my clothes because little do they know that they have provided me with a brand, a platform, and a purpose that will inevitably rain hellfire on their political charade of pretending to pursue justice. Why? Because, like I said, I am inevitable.
Over the years I have found solidarity in the words of Oscar Wilde. He was convicted and sentenced to prison through the Court of Bankruptcy, an ugly sweater that at the end he wasn't ashamed to wear because tragedy had likewise revealed to him a similar truth. He wrote, “To regret one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.”
I agree.
Therefore, to deny the experience of being tried and convicted for murder, denied due process and constitutional protections; is to also deny the friendships and familial bonds forged in the fires of hell; it is to deny the soul crushing experience of losing everything but self, and yet still finding the will to persevere—as the old adage goes, “when you look around and find yourself in hell, just keep walking.”
Which is why I have never stopped walking forward, because hell may be where I find myself but it's not where I will end up. A doorway has presented itself through this MBA program, and though I don't know exactly where it will lead me I know that it's leading forward.
If you believe that the impossible can likewise be inevitable, then invest in me and follow the journey. I am searching for active donors who invest in long shots. I am searching for charitable souls who have received helping hands themselves, and know from experience that the impossible happens every day. I am searching for anyone who knows what it's like to wear an ugly sweater with a smile, because just like me we are all inevitable.
To get involved in the journey: https://gofundme.com/f/mylifeplus25